Are You ...
...a victim or survivor?
...a young person in an abusive relationship?
...a concerned parent?
...a child witnessing domestic abuse?
...worried about your own behaviour?
...concerned about someone else?
...a victim or survivor?
Not sure who to turn to or just want to talk? Please see our list of local services and support for more information.
- You can access a support group running locally called the Freedom Programme. Please see the Maidenhead Freedom Programme flier and the details of the Slough programme.
- You are not to blame, it can be easy to accept your partner's behaviour, but you must remember that you do not deserve to be the victim of such behaviour, least of all at the hands of someone close to you.
- You need to recognise that the abuse goes on; whilst you may try and justify your partner's actions and may disregard events as not being serious, violence usually gets worse over time.
- You need to seek help; tell someone you trust, a friend, neighbour, colleague or relation. There are many support agencies who can help you, including the police. Contact details for agencies across the Royal Borough of Windsor and Maidenhead can be found under 'Useful Contacts'. Many victims of domestic abuse do not seek help, or may not find the appropriate support when needed. Never be afraid to ask for help.
- Only you can judge the situation you are in.
- You can choose to stay and hope the offender will change, or work with them to address their behaviour. Or you stay, knowing that their behaviour will not change. By doing this however, you and your children (if you have any) still remain vulnerable.
- You can choose to leave the offender either temporarily or permanently.
- You can choose to take legal action; by calling the police or seeking advice from a solicitor.
- Both male and female victims of domestic abuse often experience feelings of shame, confusion, depression, isolation, blame and self doubt.
- Male victims being abused by a female may experience these to a greater extent due to the stigma attached to being a male victim of domestic violence. Many men feel they are not 'real men' if they are abused by their partner. Male victims of domestic abuse must remember they are not alone, that it is not their fault, and that help is available. For a list of male victim services, please see the Directory of Resources.
- Victims of domestic abuse who are in same sex relationships again experience similar problems to those in heterosexual relationships, but there are additional factors that need to be acknowledged; abusers may use control techniques such as threatening to 'out' the abused. Additionally, should support be sought, there are often scarce resources due to a lack of training, sensitivity and expertise surrounding the topic.
...a young person in an abusive relationship?
Remember, you don't have to be living with someone for the relationship to be abusive. Abuse can happen in any relationship and does not have to be physical abuse for it to be domestic abuse - it might be emotional abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, or psychological abuse. This is never OK.
The Hideout put together a checklist to help you think about your relationship:
- Does your boy/girlfriend ever go through your phone to check who you've been talking to or texting?
- Does you boy/girlfriend often criticise what you're wearing, or tell you what to wear?
- Do your friends tell you they don't like your boy/girlfriend?
- Do you find yourself spending more time with your boy/girlfriend than with your friends, or does he/she tell you not to see your friends?
- Does your boy/girlfriend hit, kick or slap you?
- Has your boy/girlfriend ever forced you to have sex with him/her, or made you feel guilty if you don't?
- Does your boy/girlfriend ever threaten you, especially if you don't want to see him/her, or talk about breaking up?
- Does your boy/girlfriend criticise your body, or the way you look?
If you've answered yes to a lot of these questions, it may be that you're in an unhealthy relationship, and need to think about talking to someone or getting some help.
Remember:
• Trust your judgement - if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't
• You're okay on your own. You're a wonderful person, who deserves a wonderful partner - you don't have to settle for one who's just okay, or is hurting you or making you feel bad.
• You exist in a whole big world of family, friends, work, college… If you find your world narrowing down to just your partner, something's probably not right. - You may wish to download our leaflet for young people, please click here
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...a concerned parent?
- Even if children do not directly witness the violence they can still be affected by it going on.
- Teach them not to become involved in the violence.
- Teach them how to get out of the house safely.
- Inform them of how to call the police or other people who may be able to help.
- If other people are looking after your children, make sure they know of any court orders, show them a photo of the offender etc.
- Talk to someone at the children's school so they are aware of the situation and know of any court orders and what the offender looks like.
- Teach them not to copy the behaviour both during their childhood as well as their adulthood.
- Be aware that as a result children may develop psychological, medical and social problems; lose confidence, become afraid, angry or often blame themselves
- You might find it helpful to read our leaflet on the effects of domestic abuse on children, click here to download the leaflet
- You might find it useful to consider a support group for your child. Click here to view information about PICADA (Positive Intervention for Children Affected by Domestic Abuse). Click here to download a referral form.
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...a child witnessing domestic abuse?
- It is not uncommon that you may experience feelings such as fear, helplessness, guilt, shame, isolation, stress.
- You may blame the offender or try to stop the violence. You must remember that the abuser is the person responsible for their actions, not you or the abused. It is not your fault.
- You may wish that someone would help, or wish that people would not interfere.
- Encourage the abused to seek help or tell someone about the abuse.
- You may throw yourself into your school work, or work, to escape the problems at home.
- You may miss school or work because of the problems.
- You may question why the abused remains with the abuser - it may be because they do not want to deprive you of a parent, they may not know where to go for help, or they may think that you are ok and not affected by the violence.
- Talk to someone you trust, for example a friend, teacher, social worker.
- Remain safe at all times; hide whilst the fighting is going on, and remember not to put yourself in any danger.
- Notify the police in an emergency, by dialling 999.
- Get help from other agencies by dialling any of the numbers listed under 'Useful Contacts'.
- You may wish to download our leaflet for young people, please click here
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...worried about your own behaviour?
Are you hurting the one you love? You can choose. Call the Respect Phoneline on 0845 122 8690 which is now open
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday,
10.00 am - 1.00 pm and 2.00 pm - 5.00 pm.
The Respect Phoneline offers information and advice to domestic violence perpetrators, their (ex)partners, friends and family and to frontline workers who come into contact with perpetrators in their work. The majority of calls are from men in heterosexual relationships. Calls are welcomed from women abusive towards their male partners and abusive gays and lesbians.
Perpetrator groups are run for men as research shows that the majority of domestic violence perpetrators are men. There are currently no groups being run in the area for same sex or female perpetrators of domestic abuse.
They are run in small groups to address men's violent behaviour, and to change and develop non abusive relationships.
Content of the programme can ask help men to understand why they are violence, recognise their violence, learn how to take responsibility for, and control their violence.
By implementing perpetrator programmes, emphasis on the woman as a victim is removed.
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...concerned about someone else?
If we have more than 3 female friends or more than 5 male friends, then it is likely we will know someone who at some time will be a victim of domestic abuse.
If you know someone who is experiencing domestic abuse it can be frustrating and worrying. You may have listened to their own concerns, seen physical marks or violence and enouraged them to seek help, but you may find they do not want to or can't.
- See your friend by themselves and make sure they know you are there for them - do not walk away from them no matter how frustrated you feel.
- Tell your friend you are worried about them and encourage them to seek help. Seeking help can be a difficult decision and they may need help and support from you in doing this.
- Know where to go for help yourself so you can offer your friend some advice.
- Help raise your friend's self esteem and show her that she is worth your friendship.
- Try to arrange social occasions where the offender does not need to attend.
- Always consider your and your friend's safety. In a practical way you may suggest she packs a survival kit that she can keep at your house and have access too, or in another safe place, ready for if she needs to leave.
- Be aware that the offender will not appreciate your involvement.
- Do not criticise the offender or judge your friend. Allow your friend to be open with you without forcing her to do something she is not ready to do. Criticising the offender will only push your friend away from you and towards the abuse.
- Keep yourself safe and make sure that you do not become directly involved in the violence.
- You may want to refer to a Thames Valley Police leaflet if you know someone who is experiencing domestic abuse - http://www.thamesvalley.police.uk/da_booklet_16_12_08.pdf
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