Are You ...
...a victim?
...a concerned parent?
...a child witnessing domestic violence?
...a violent partner?
...a concerned friend?
...a victim?
- You are not to blame; it can be easy to accept your partner's behaviour, but you must remember that you do not deserve to be the victim of such behaviour, least of all at the hands of someone close to you.
- You need to recognise that the violence goes on; whilst you may try and justify your partner's actions and may disregard events as not being serious, violence usually gets worse over time.
- You need to seek help; tell someone you trust, a friend, neighbour, colleague or relation. There are many support agencies who can help you, including the police. Contact details for agencies across the Royal Borough of Windsor and Maidenhead can be found under 'Useful Contacts'. Many victims of domestic abuse do not seek help, or may not find the appropriate support when needed. Never be afraid to ask for help.
- Only you can judge the situation you are in.
- You can choose to stay and hope the offender will change, or work with them to address their behaviour. Or you stay, knowing that their behaviour will not change. By doing this however, you and your children (if you have any) still remain vulnerable.
- You can choose to leave the offender either temporarily or permanently.
- You can choose to take legal action; by calling the police or seeking advice from a solicitor.
- Both male and female victims of domestic abuse often experience feelings of shame, confusion, depression, isolation, blame and self doubt.
- Male victims being abused by a female may experience these to a greater extent due to the stigma attached to being a male victim of domestic violence. Many men feel they are not 'real men' if they are abused by their partner. Male victims of domestic abuse must remember they are not alone, that it is not their fault, and that help is available. For a list of male victim services, please see the Directory of Resources.
- Victims of domestic abuse who are in same sex relationships again experience similar problems to those in heterosexual relationships, but there are additional factors that need to be acknowledged; abusers may use control techniques such as threatening to 'out' the abused. Additionally, should support be sought, there are often scarce resources due to a lack of training, sensitivity and expertise surrounding the topic.
- You can access a support group running locally called the Freedom Programme.
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...a concerned parent?
- Even if children do not directly witness the violence they can still be affected by it going on.
- Teach them not to become involved in the violence.
- Teach them how to get out of the house safely.
- Inform them of how to call the police or other people who may be able to help.
- If other people are looking after your children, make sure they know of any court orders, show them a photo of the offender etc.
- Talk to someone at the children's school so they are aware of the situation and know of any court orders and what the offender looks like.
- Teach them not to copy the behaviour both during their childhood as well as their adulthood.
- Be aware that as a result children may develop psychological, medical and social problems; lose confidence, become afraid, angry or often blame themselves.
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...a child witnessing domestic abuse?
- It is not uncommon that you may experience feelings such as fear, helplessness, guilt, shame, isolation, stress.
- You may blame the offender or try to stop the violence. You must remember that the abuser is the person responsible for their actions, not you or the abused. It is not your fault.
- You may wish that someone would help, or wish that people would not interfere.
- Encourage the abused to seek help or tell someone about the abuse.
- You may throw yourself into your school work, or work, to escape the problems at home.
- You may miss school or work because of the problems.
- You may question why the abused remains with the abuser - it may be because they do not want to deprive you of a parent, they may not know where to go for help, or they may think that you are ok and not affected by the violence.
- Talk to someone you trust, for example a friend, teacher, social worker.
- Remain safe at all times; hide whilst the fighting is going on, and remember not to put yourself in any danger.
- Notify the police in an emergency, by dialling 999.
- Get help from other agencies by dialling any of the numbers listed under 'Useful Contacts'.
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...a violent partner?
'If we don't work with men to stop the violence and abuse, what hope is there for women?' Una Hamill 1998.
A Programme For Men Who Want To Change Their Violent And Abusive Behaviour Towards Their Female Partners Or Ex-Partners
- Open to any man aged 18 years or over who accepts he has been violent, abusive or threatening to his partner, or ex partner, and who wants to change.
- Open to any man living in Bracknell Forest, Royal Borough of Windsor and Maidenhead, Slough or Wokingham.
- Men may attend as part of an agreement with any agency with whom they are already involved, for example Social Services.
- Men may refer themselves directly to the programme.
- A 45 minute assessment interview is required before men are accepted onto the programme.
- The programme comprises of 30 structured group sessions designed to help men understand their violent and abusive behaviour and learn new ways of behaving.
- Sessions last two hours and take place at a location in Bracknell on a Monday evening.
- The programme is NOT an anger management or counselling group; it focuses on changing attitudes and behaviours.
Services for Women
Female partners/ex partners of abusive men can access support services through Berkshire Women's Aid (Bracknell, Wokingham) and East Berkshire Women's Aid (Windsor, Maidenhead, Ascot, Slough).
Free and confidential advice is provided by women through outreach and drop in services aimed at helping women who have experienced domestic abuse.
The female partners/ex partners of any men attending Changing Ways will be contacted by Lakeside Consultants to give her information about the men's participation in it.
Changing Ways believe that everyone has the right to live free from violence and the threat of violence.
We want to support you to make the changes you need, so that you are safe around your partner/ex partner and children (if you have them). We would encourage you to think hard and face up honestly to the things you have done. You might have done some things only once or twice, but in many cases you will notice there is a pattern of abusive behaviour. By making yourself more aware of your abusive behaviours it will become easier to make changes and stop.
Men… if you want to stop and make a self referral, call John Roberts on 07818 054 563
Professionals… to refer a man you are working with, call John Roberts on 07818 054 563
Women… to speak to someone in confidence, call Berkshire Women's Aid on 0118 9504003, or East Berkshire Women's Aid on 01753 549865 or 0800 085 2654.
For programmes outside Bekshire East and Wokingham call the Respect Phoneline which is now open
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday,
10.00 am – 1.00 pm and 2.00 pm - 5.00 pm.
An email and text messaging service is also available.
Call: 0845 122 8609.
Email: phoneline@respect.uk.net.
Text: 07624 818 326 (text messages only).
The Respect Phoneline 0845 122 8609 offers information and advice to domestic violence perpetrators, their (ex)partners, friends and family and to frontline workers who come into contact with perpetrators in their work.
Perpetrator groups are run for men as research shows that the majority of domestic violence perpetrators are men.
They are run in small groups to address men's violent behaviour, and to change and develop non abusive relationships.
Content of the programme can ask help men to understand why they are violence, recognise their violence, learn how to take responsibility for, and control their violence.
By implementing perpetrator programmes, emphasis on the woman as a victim is removed.
Research has shown that men attending perpetrator programmes are significantly more likely to reduce their non violent controlling behaviour (Dobash et al 1996).
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...a concerned friend?
If we have more than 3 female friends then 75% of us will know someone who at some time will be a victim of domestic abuse.
If you know someone who is experiencing domestic abuse it can be frustrating and worrying. You may have listened to their own concerns, seen physical marks or violence and enouraged them to seek help, but you may find they do not want to or can't.
- See your friend by themselves and make sure they know you are there for them - do not walk away from them no matter how frustrated you feel.
- Tell your friend you are worried about them and encourage them to seek help. Seeking help can be a difficult decision and they may need help and support from you in doing this.
- Know where to go for help yourself so you can offer your friend some advice.
- Help raise your friend's self esteem and show her that she is worth your friendship.
- Try to arrange social occasions where the offender does not need to attend.
- Always consider your and your friend's safety. In a practical way you may suggest she packs a survival kit that she can keep at your house and have access too, or in another safe place, ready for if she needs to leave.
- Be aware that the offender will not appreciate your involvement.
- Do not criticise the offender or judge your friend. Allow your friend to be open with you without forcing her to do something she is not ready to do. Criticising the offender will only push your friend away from you and towards the abuse.
- Keep yourself safe and make sure that you do not become directly involved in the violence.
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